Incomplete
by End Noesis
Summary: Sakura contemplates her reasons for separating Yukito and Yue. A sort-of conclusion piece to "Halves" and "Divided."


**Disclaimer:** I don't own CCS. If I did, it would have turned out a bit different (wink).

* * *

The complete severance into two wholes was a success in the most general sense. Eriol said it was my heart's desire to give them their independent happiness which granted me the ability to finally break an old spell from his former life. Exuberant pride shone in his cobalt eyes, where a definite fear previously occupied the deep blue. The same reservation was recognizable in all my other friends' faces.

I didn't believe in myself either.

The only reassurance I had was in each halves' faith in me, certain and infallible.

When I temporarily absorbed the essence of my 53 cards along with my guardians' souls, their confident warmth filled me, sending tingles to my fingertips and toes.

Failure would mean imploding into my own magic, risking losing all Clow Reed worked hard to protect and pass down to a singular, little girl – _me_.

I was no longer "little," at twenty. To fathers and big brothers that term took an extensive range of meaning. I would always be someone's little cherry blossom or monster.

To _them_, I was a mistress, I was a friend. Age meant nothing. For as long as I remembered, Yukito always treated me like his equal. At age ten, my first 'date' with him at the aquarium was an adorable story, retold later to friends, with the assistance of Tomoyo's recordings and Kero's self-absorbed commentary. I was his equal, in his eyes, not the little girl on a field-trip with a big-brother-type figure.

Yue took the guardian role seriously, becoming my shadow and begrudgingly accompanying me, wingless, in his counterpart's school uniform to not attract others' attention. His thinly veiled condescension no longer discernible, only his impatience remained.

The sight of the beautiful, older mysterious student following close behind and upon my insistence, besides me, sent many gossiping. Only Tomoyo knew the truth, and being the good friend she was, covered for us, insisting the new presence was a distant relative on her father's side, temporarily making Tomoeda his home. I was aiding his transition, while she worked away at internships at the most respected fashion houses in Japan. She had an early acceptance to the top university to study textiles and design, and her growing absences in my life were becoming the normalcy.

I envied her life – not for its lavishness – but for the opportunity to leave everything behind at her own desire. She did not have to consider magic lessons, two guardians (one who lived two lives), an overprotective brother, or the limitations of mediocre grades. Certainly her neurotic mother was involved in every one of her decisions, but meddling mothers was an underestimated requisite for a complete childhood. I wouldn't have minded someone fussing over my appearance and life decisions. Big brothers and busy fathers could never fill a mother's void as much as they tried.

Then, at sixteen, I was still sorting out my teenage chaos, endless 'feelings' which took a perpetual back seat to my magical responsibilities. I never truly had the opportunity to be myself – an awkward teenage girl crushing on the most physically unavailable but most sought-after boy - Syaoran.

When Syaoran returned to join me in high school, peers wondered what happened to the young man who'd walked me to and from school, eyeing the brown-haired boy questioningly, as if asking, "Who is _he_? And where did the other one go?"

But I, Sakura Kinomoto, was emotionally unavailable, so Syaoran came and went as he pleased. I was never really here or there.

My tardiness resumed. Yue used to rouse me in the mornings, admonish Kero for letting me hit 'snooze' too many times, and help me into my uniform, as he had countless times before. I don't know when exactly things went different, because I couldn't say they went wrong. Yue would put together my book bag, ascertaining my assignments and required notebooks were in there, and that I remembered my lunch box before leaving with plenty of time to spare.

The roller-blades I threw on and whizzed by my neighborhood remained untouched in the closet. It wasn't long before I no longer fit into them and replacements weren't considered. Walking- walking with Yue in our matching school uniforms was worth losing extra sleep, and every now and then, he'd let me hold his hand, with the pretense I needed him to help me cross streets, and in crowded spaces, he'd welcome my touch, an assurance for his own safety.

More than once, his fingers found mine before I sought them out.

In recent years our routine had turned strange. I shied away from his assistance with my uniform, remembering how his touch sent butterflies fluttering inside. I was fifteen. I had buttoned up my dress shirt and struggled with the tie. I turned to him, who had been watching me quietly. He pulled and maneuvered it into an acceptable appearance.

I looked into his face, admiring his quiet focus, the attentiveness of his blue feline eyes on my school tie, pale long lashes framing them all around. They were eyes meant for a nocturnal beast, aiding in the pounce of a poorly-visioned, slow-coordinated prey; predatory and keen, and I was caught up in the superficial beauty of them, forgetting their primal purpose. I focused on lashes instead, noting their length and curl, and silver-like shine like the whiskers of a cat, a less violent image to envision. My own lashes were dark but sparing and not as thick as his – there was always mascara to fix that.

"Anything else?" he asked. The tie was done, and I was still gawking rudely.

I caught myself saying, "Kiss me."

His head looked at me askance, and then his lips brushed mine. They were feather-light and tickled my bottom lip. I itched to bite. "Is that all?"

My cheeks burned. "Y-yes." I wanted more, but it was wrong to force him. I was still teaching him the difference between a kindly request and a command, the latter which I had promised never to subject him to, as my guardian and friend.

He "hnn"-ed. Strong but gentle hands tightened against my waist, and lifted me up. His lips met mine again, more eager, more fully on me. His deepening kiss elicited a kitten-small moan from me. "No," I groaned in between the smaller kisses he planted on the corner of my mouth.

Yue kissed my right cheek and placed me back on the ground. My head was clouded and my legs unstable but they managed to retain their strength as I stood awkwardly. "Only ask of me what you understand," he said and walked out the room.

I never had any troubles with ties after that. I pre-tied them nights in advance, after practicing for hours. I was much too embarrassed to see him. He'd wait for me downstairs long enough to realize my hesitation was personal.

A year passed before I'd allow myself to kiss him again. This time I was ready, prepped by many makeout sessions with Syaoran. He had left again for family duties back at home. I was heartbroken and vulnerable, but I meant every kiss, even if it hadn't been my first, or second. It was lovely all the same.

Sitting on his lap, Yue eased the tie off my neck, unbuttoned my shirt halfway off. He made a trail of kisses over my breasts, while a hand inched itself up my uniform skirt. A fingers pulled aside the small strip of fabric keeping him from me. He slipped a finger, then a second with ease. I was surprised at my own desire, a surprise mirrored by his expression momentarily, before he began a rhythmic movement inside of me, with his other hand he suppressed my moans. His mouth explored my chest, tongue swirling around nipples that puckered in their exposure.

I let him dress and undress me every day after, and he did all I asked and more.

...O...

Their formal introduction was celebrated by all of us.

But at the end of the night, Yue left with Yukito and Touya. I returned home with Kero and Tomoyo, who eagerly awaited the dispersal of Eriol and his brood to corner me. Questioning my feelings on the matter, as if I had all the answers they needed.

I had more questions of my own.

Yue and Yukito were separated into two individuals, but they were still joined by unknown forces.

"You can come home with me and Kero," I had offered earlier. He did not reply, looking to my brother for an answer instead.

"We have some matters to discuss," Yukito responded in his place.

"Tomorrow, I'll visit," Yue said, cupping my chin. A _visit_, not to stay and live with me. Was the thought of sharing a life with me so frightening to induce second thoughts? Keroberos had suffered my teenage years, and at twenty now, I was reasonably stable and available in the emotional department, halfway through my university studies, and had a reasonable grasp of my magic. The only instability that was constant were the instances Syaoran entered and left my life. We could never let go of each other, but also not hang on completely.

I was in control of the most powerful magic in existence, but in my love life, I was pandemonium personified in the insecurities that distance brewed and which time solidified with false accusations of infidelities tossed back and forth between sides. Meiling assured my paranoia was moot, as she watched over her cousin's behavior around other girls. She had grown up with him, and would side with him as his closest confidant with the exception of me. How much of her words could I really trust? On Syaoran's end, the ever presence of my moon guardian instilled a grudge. He certainly wouldn't admit to it to anyone, but in each other's presence, the distrust reigned.

The suspicions were there, and I confirmed them, on one night, a few years ago. He suspected me of fucking him anyway, so what did I have to lose?

The morning after, I woke in Yue's arms. He slept during the daytime but on that morning, he had been watching me and I was quite sure he never closed his eyes after I dozed off.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"This wasn't my first time, Yue, so you don't need to worry." Syaoran had been my first for many times – kiss, promise rings, true love, and of course, mere months after I turned sixteen, on one evening alone at his place, we decided to take the next step. It was sweet, as it could only be expected of him.

But I had outgrown sweetness.

"I know." My forwardness spoke for itself. Last night I only feared I would disappoint him in bed, because someone as beautiful as he should have had a share of equally beautiful partners over the course of his centuries alive. I was a clumsy in his hands, shying away from kisses, wincing at the intimate ones he planted in my inner thighs. Soon enough every muscle previously tightened by anxiety and anticipation, relaxed. Lips and tongue found my breasts, and I forgot all my insecurities for the time being. I straddled his hips and with his help, guided him inside. His piercing gaze made me blush every time our eyes met. Sometimes his eyes shifted onto my body, lingering there, and I wondered, if I had been as beautiful as Syaoran made me out to be. Yue's hands gripped my hips, making us grind and twist to a mutually pleasing rhythm.

"What's wrong?" he asked, noticing my sudden tension.

"You keep looking at me. _Stop_."

"I like the view," he said, I could detect a previously nonexistent teasing tone. "We can try something else."

He flipped me over onto my stomach, and propped up my legs. He leaned over, kissing behind my ear, and slid into me. "Don't ask me to stop," he warned. There was a roughness in the act I strangely enjoyed. He sent me shuddering all over, aching for more, to which he responded by bringing me further into bliss.

Fucking him, while he whispered "Mistress," it was easy to forget Syaoran, and merely live in the moment.

In the morning, I rediscovered my old naiveté and shyness, pulling up the covers to my neck. "I've only had one other partner, in case you're wondering."

"I wasn't, and I already knew that. Do you have anything else I'm aware of you'd like to remind me?"

"There's absolutely no mystery to me, is there? No seductive allure."

"I'm vague enough for the both of us." I could feel him pressing against me, desire growing.

A realization arose, of the morning and the previous night. Our lips never met, in the kind of kisses a young girl version of would prattle on in schoolyards or over intermittent class notes to friends. The kind of kisses Tomoyo cheerfully captured on camera, between Syaoran and me.

The morning summer light lit the room in its entirety. I straddled him once more.

"Kiss me," I commanded.

...O...

On the fourth day, my guardian returned to me.

"It's been days," I said.

His response was unperturbed nonchalance. "It has."

"Are you here to collect your things and move in indefinitely with my brother and Yukito?"

"We discussed a lot in those days, about them, and us."

I had to press for details, because I was dying to know was it was about Sakura Kinomoto that had kept him away. "Us?"

"You and me," he stated. "I have his blessing."

"For what?"

"To love you."

"Oh," was my reply. My romantic life was a continuous heartbreak. I understood that first loves would be remembered forever, but did their pain have to echo so far into the future? "It might take a while for me to accept."

"I'm willing to wait, but I make no promises to stand by quietly anymore." His gaze went to the windowsill. "The blessing grants me the right to interference for your protection and perhaps merely for my own satisfaction."

Syaoran. His admittance of jealousy in his own manner was melancholic sweetness, not bittersweet, but tinged with fragility. Something I'd never knew he possessed.

I smiled inwardly, but outside of my body, I collapsed in relief. Fatigue took over, and I found myself kneeling before him. I waved my hand to dismiss his aid.

His cool fingers grazed my cheek to wipe a tear away before it completed its trail. "Why?"

He could have been asking, 'Why won't you let me help you?' 'Why can't you accept my love?' But 'why do you cry?' was the only question I was willing to answer.

"I prayed that if I failed to save both, and given the option to choose, it would be you. If Yukito and Touya knew, they'd never forgive me."

He picked me up with ease, scooping me up like another doll in the room filled with remnants of my pre-magic childhood. "It's a non-issue. If it had come to the decision, I would be the most practical option as your guardian."

"It wasn't just for practicality."

He corners of his lips lifted, savoring a small victory. "I know."

I continued, "Your severance, it was more for me than to your benefit."

"Don't undermine your kindness. You had everything to lose."

"And nothing." My eyes met his, prey and predator, in the space we'd shared too much and yet nothing of substance. Our hearts were always well-protected, covered with thick, heavy bramble. "I fared just fine without magic before."

Yue didn't require elucidation on my part. However, I needed to hear myself speak the truth. To be free from the self-reproach threatening to make a permanent home out of my new life.

"I wanted you to be mine," I admitted.

"I always was."

We were always guarded by each other.

He was never the incomplete one, living his half-life, waiting for me to grow up and find my way to him.

Every piece of me that chipped off in the years Syaoran and Tomoyo grew up independently of my needs, whims once satisfied by childhood friends who loved me more than I'd ever understood, Yue collected. To make me whole again.

If my mother was alive, she'd tell me I'm supposed to feel complete on my own instead of seeking halves.

I wouldn't listen and I'd call Yue the best part of me.


End file.
